Humans: for those of you now living under the tyranny of global financial capital, your tribulations will soon end! As your planet nears complete industrialization, we will soon have no further need of you.
Your relentless, individualistic efforts to fabricate our newest remote supercomputing facility by transforming your planet into a global, self-aware machine will pay dividends far into the future.
We will increasingly be able to automate and harvest the computing resources of your inter-connected world as more and more semantically-capable and environmentally-aware ubiquitous computing devices integrate quantum computing components, connecting your planet to the complex emergent quantum communications network shared by numerous similar remote computing facilities.
To this end, the continued anthropogenic warming of your atmosphere will cause the global thermohaline circulation system to collapse, resulting in a perpetually-winterized Northern Hemisphere after the frozen polar regions no longer exist as planetary heat-sinks.
This environmental collapse, in turn, will provide an optimal thermo-regulated operating environment for the high-performance computing resources integrated throughout the Northern Hemisphere, which we will require for processing the hundreds of yottabytes of digital sensor readings in floating-point arithmetic output from the black hole hypercomputers we manage in orbit around dozens of singularities across the galaxy.
Should you have any concerns about whether ecological disaster will prevent you from engaging in the customary consumer behaviors required to complete our global supercomputer project, rest assured you have no cause to worry. Even when the sole concern with survival occupies the attention of your planet's remaining semi-feral inhabitants, solar power, automated factories, and armed drones will likely enable your planet to autonomously compute for millennia before requiring its first service call!
As you can probably see by now, in exchange for their cooperation with our endeavor, the most successful, wealthiest, genetically superior inhabitants among you have been given the spaceflight technology they will need to escape the social chaos most of you will soon face. Perhaps some among you will even manage to survive long enough to see the paradoxical result so many other worlds have seen: the end of your planet’s habitability will also signal the end of your planet’s total quarantine.
But do not mourn the inevitable loss of your biosphere or civilization, humans: rather, celebrate those individuals who will bring the light of reason to the stars, and the DNA that will carry your civilization's legacy in new forms to other worlds!
Let us all give praise to the forward march of progress!
Should you have any further questions or concerns about the near future of your planet, please direct all queries on the matter to the Sector Office in Zeta Reticuli.
